Who and what am I?

Who and what am I? I am a survivor!

I have been called many things over the years. Those who know me know I have a big mouth and always have a smartass or sarcastic remark in defence. But a few very close friends know what “names” actually hurt me. I hide those feeling of hurt and sadness also as protection. Some people seem to think that I am of no importance and therefore a worthless human being. Well I guess those people forgot that I feel, I have emotions, I have a heart, I have a consciousness and that makes me a “human being” and that’s what I am.
I know that I can be a bitch, a loud mouth, jealous and possessive, rude, etc, but you people should know that I have always been there whenever help was needed. I always offered a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. I always have my door open if ANYONE should need help and even those who call me name behind my back!
But the worst thing I have been called was NOT “Bitch” but “A bad mother”. Why? Why would I be called that? I have always been there for my son. And for those select few who are part of my very private life know what I have done (and still do) for him, even if I am far away right now it doesn’t mean that I don’t do anything for him. I found out that he was in trouble at some point and there I was jumping on a plane and spent over 2 years away from my home in Norway and my man so I could help my son! I lived like a pauper all that time, work shit jobs and helped my boy from failing school to being on the honour roll in school!

At that time, I got injured because of one of the jobs, and found out that even if I get treatment for it, I will still have to live with the damage. But I accepted it because my son was more important. I also had to live with incessant harassing calls from his father who ALSO called me names and told me how worthless I was. But I still found enough strength to go to work and be there for my boy, he was then on the right path and started to succeed more and more and I was proud of all his efforts.
But I still had calls from the father and at some point my thresh-whole was reached and I collapsed (emotionally) the light at the end of the tunnel was extinguished and I stood in the dark! I needed help but didn’t know who to ask, I was alone and I had nothing... I then went in a room alone and tried the easy way out. But I failed (was it luck?). I had to be put on “watch” after that. I decided to give even more of myself to my boy’s success and wellbeing. He became happy and he was on top in his classes! I had to go back home (Norway) at some point, but again he couldn’t come with me because of his schooling and the language difference. So I told him (as I had done the first time I left) that we can visit in the summers until he graduates High School and then he can move with me! But I guess strangers to my private life don’t realize or think of the bigger picture, and worst of all is they don’t ask me anything before they judge and sentence me as a “A bad mother”, it’s easier to say that and assume I have abandoned my child!

Well to those people I must say one more thing: “I tried to raise my boy as best as I knew, I thought him that his word is everything, never break a promise, don’t lie, be polite and respect as well as trust is earned not given freely. I also thought him to not judge other people (nationality, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc) without knowing them and he does. I am proud of the young man he has become so far. So I may not be a good mother but I don’t think I’m a bad mother either! I try just like any other parent.”
You don’t know my life and my struggle, therefore before you call me such a hurtful thing, talk to and then you may judge me!
 

NB. 

On the 16th of June 2013 it was the 2 years anniversary of my "survival" and yes I did celebrate that day with all my being. Because I have accepted that I must live and accept the hurt that others may throw at me for I cannot prevent it. I can appreciate how precious life is, it is a gift. With every breath I take, I am stronger for it. I know that I may not be a perfect being, a good being and at times, wickedness becomes me. But I am human and my uniqueness is as valuable as every single human being that like me breathes. Sorrow and sadness is part of me but so is bliss and cheerfulness. I will go on crying as well as laughing, I will dance in the rain as well as sing along with the car radio without a care in the world. Every day is a testimony to the realizations of one’s strength when standing in the face of adversity. I will not give anyone the power to destroy my individuality and uniqueness anymore. For I am me and that’s the best I can be! 

Sincerely yours,
Johanne

♥

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." 

-Kahlil Gibran